Delhi Darling

Last week I returned once again to Delhi for a week. I must admit I was not particularly keen on returning to Delhi as I had decided I really did not like it very much from my previous visit, however I was pleasantly surprised by the city. It was good to return to dispel my incorrect thoughts about the place, sure it is noisy and polluted and busy however that is pretty much India all over. I came to realise it wasn’t Delhi I hated, it was the feelings I associated with it… blind panic and wondering what the hell I had done come to mind. As Delhi was the first place I landed in in India I don’t think I properly took into account just how panic struck I was and I had associated that with Delhi. I am pleased to report I have managed to dispel those thoughts and it was rewarding going back there after nearly a year in India.

I was in Delhi for the 30^th Birthday of my friend Katie and her friends were had come over from the UK and they had brought WINE! It tasted pretty good after nearly a year’s abstinence from it that is for sure. So I asked where we would be going and Katie’s response was… a karaoke bar. Call me an old bag but my first thought was ‘oh god no’ but the wine helped in thinking actually it was a bloody good idea and off we went.

I have come to realise that there are many differences between the UK and India but one of the most startling I can reveal is that… the karaoke was good! Now yes I did have my beer ears* on at the time but seriously I genuinely thought the whole point of karaoke was that it was bad. Stood with a white knuckle grip onto a microphone screeching away tunelessly whilst your friends roll around in mirth at the death of your dignity, that to me is karaoke. I can remember renditions of Silent Whisper in our local pub that was actually painful, now I think about it that is a really sad story of a misspent youth, at least other people get good at pool or something I just subjected my ears to pain. I can assure you I did not sing, I just drank a lot instead and had lots of fun.

The other thing about birthdays in India is an apparent tradition to have cake smeared on your face or ‘to be caked’. I came to realise that Evelyn and I had gotten off lightly when we had some frosting delicately smeared on our face, however when Katie came into the office she had the full cake smushing** into her face experience and it was chocolate cake! (Damn waste in my opinion) She was very good about it though and even posed for photos.

I sadly managed to get a not terribly nice auto driver whilst I was there who demanded on holding my hand and then kissed it, no not a dry kiss I mean a ‘oh look you seem to have dribbled all over my hand’ type of kiss. ‘What’s the harm?’ you ask. Well a) someone looking at you in the back of their vehicle whilst they are driving is slightly disconcerting and b) any physical contact is frowned upon, so I ended up holding my hands up next to my ears so he could not grab them! He also asked me my marital status… again totally out of order. So I lied. Not only has India seen me married I am now a serial fictional bigamist. I can honestly say that I was very grateful when we saw some police and he started laughing nervously as I did have a sinking ‘this could go a little bit wrong’ type of feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Apart from one unpleasant auto driver though, I had an amazing week. I thoroughly enjoyed the work I was doing, having some semblance of a social life was refreshing and very welcome and the junk food was sublime!

* Beer ears - similar to beer goggles but involves the hearing sense. Side effects include: thinking you sound really funny/witty, thinking that ridiculous idea is the best idea you have heard in a long time and you must do it immediately even if you can't stand up properly and thinking the person talking to you is a genius when in fact, they are not.

** I couldn’t think of an appropriate word as it is not as hard as being smashed in the face with cake more of a splat and rub type of action so I thought smushing was good descriptor word which I made up. 

A little bit ridiculous - part 2

Varanasi – apparently one of the oldest continually habited cities in the world. It is amazing and I, personally, loved it, despite the few hiccups I had along the way.

On my first day in Varanasi I realised I was running short of cash so I headed to the hotel to check in and got ready. I managed to make it through the maze of back allies in the old part of town to find the main road in Varanasi to try and find a cash point. Bearing in mind I had spoken to my bank the day before and they assured me my card would work (I think you know where this is heading).

So I headed out and the first cash point was out of order, the second and third cash points were out of order, I had 110 rupees left to my name and I NEEDED cash! So I carried on walking up the main road to what I hoped was a working cash point as I cannot deny I was a little concerned about my cash situation. I carried on walking up the road when a cycle rickshaw hit the back of my leg, ran over my foot and broke my sandal, rather than saying sorry he cheerfully said he could take me to a shoe shop – he was very close to having a broken shoe shoved up his nose at that point but I had to carry on as at that point I could not even afford shoes so I carried on walking up the road with no shoes. One thing I will say about Varanasi is that the roads are actually pretty rubbish and very sharp! I was left hobbling up the road with one odd coloured toe and blood trickling down the side of my foot but I walked up and found an actual working cash point… and my card did not work. I didn’t even have enough credit to call the bank as I had called them the day before. So I was looking a little bit lost when a journalist spotted me and told me to hop on his bike and he would take me to another cash point and give me a lift back. I considered it for a whole second and hopped on. Taking a moment to consider this I have done really well in not getting on the back of motor cycles in India, actually I had only been on 1 before that with a helmet so me going on the back of a stranger’s bike without one was, well, pretty fucking stupid! Anyway I managed to survive it and he dropped me outside his office, told me where the cash point was and that I could have a chai and wait for him and he would take me back to the ghat I was staying near.

I went to the next cash point and… it was broken! The nice engineers allowed me to sit down and then offered me their shoes to go and find a working cash point and then I rang my sister in a babbling ‘I have no cash or shoes’ kind of state. I then decided to try an actual bank and the nice engineers did some bartering with a rickshaw driver and put me into a rickshaw. So I arrived at the bank looking a little worse for wear, no shoes etc. and I was told I couldn’t get money out unless I had a bank card with that particular bank, I then decided to go back to the hotel to try and sort it from there and put my spare of shoes on (thank god I am anal sometimes!) when the rickshaw driver decided he had a rubbish day too and was trying to charge me well over 3 times the actual price. It was at the time I decided to be a complete and utter girl and I cried! Oh yes I sat down and cried like the massive wimp I am. So I was rescued again. I think women crying scares men a little bit, so I hopped on the next motorbike… I know, I know. It’s alright though as he had a helmet (I have never understood the logic of just the driver having a helmet). This nice gentleman took me to ANOTHER cash point which actually did work but my card definitely didn’t. The nice man took me back to the hotel and I spoke to my sister (thanks Darling you are a life saver) I also spoke to my bank and I actually said to the rather terrified Jamie…’if my card doesn’t work I will fly back to the UK, rip your arm off and beat you over the head with the soggy end.’ Thinking about it I surprised my card did actually work after that. It was then I realised I had not eaten for 24 hours which could have also made me a wee bit cranky.

Luckily the good news in this story was that I still managed to find some amazing people who were very sweet in rescuing a damsel in distress so thank you so much to you all.

I eventually managed to get some cash and the rest of Varanasi was amazing, truly brilliant. I was very lucky in meeting some more brilliant people and laughed until my sides hurt. I enjoyed getting lost in the small allies of the old city, exploring and finding the happiest Priest I have ever met (I got to sign my second autograph!), seeing the Durga-puja festival, going to the burning ghats (but that is another tale in itself), watching the sun rise over the ganga, Saranath temple and sitting watching the deities float past down the river. All in all it was not terribly relaxing but good fun all the same.